Herein I indulge myself

September 12, 2008 at 4:59 pm (Uncategorized)

Jesus Returns, Commits Suicide


     The surprise caused by the miracle of Jesus’ return was only eclipsed by the speed of his departure. Citizens across the United States and around the world rejoiced after hearing news that the Son of God, Jesus Christ, had returned to earth once more. Universal hope for a better world reigned for the first time since Jesus first graced the earth, until his eventual suicide hours later. 
News of Our Lord’s arrival was greeted with uninhibited optimism:
     “I was so happy,” said local resident, Gloria Lareau, owner of a popular Christian bookstore. “I tells Jo-Bob that God has finally sent the Prince of Peace to send the faggots and the Jews to never-ending torment.”
     The first sighting of the Messiah occurred on the morning of April 4, 2007, in the small Alabama town of Josiah. From there, the Savior was reported to have traveled to several towns, speaking with the professed followers of the religion that he started. Several witnesses said The Beloved Son’s mood seemed to drop as time went on.
     “At first, he was so pleased, he just had this aura around him,” said a local Christian. “but o’ course we didn’t know he was The Lord of Glory. Couple guys thought he was just some fruit, so they started throwing trash at him, calling him names. Said ‘God’ll make you fags pay.’ I bet their faces sure were red when they found out who he was.”
     The Alpha and Omega was said to be particularly disturbed by the Catholic belief in transubstantiation, whereby simple wine and bread are believed to be transformed into the blood and body of Jesus Christ. Said Christ: “I mean, what kind of arrogant backwater crazies are these people? What do they think, that they’ll gain my powers by eating me?! Fucking cannibals.”
     The last straw, according to witnesses, came when The Upholder of All Things convened a press conference to announce that he had returned to bring light to world. The event was met with protests by various Christian groups, including Fred Phelps, who in particular called for the crucifixion of such a blatant imposter.
     Fearing for his earthly life, The Word ran to a local warehouse, wherein he found some chains hanging from a railing above. His First Born Son’s body was found dead several minutes later. There were said to be no witnesses. However, a custodian from the building claimed to hear the last words of The Carpenter, seconds before he jumped from the railing. They were: “Fuck this place. Save your own damned selves.”


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